I've been standing in the hallway for a while: neither here nor there with staying in sublets and at friends' homes, waiting on a home. Makes me realize how much I function on autopilot day to day. I'm good at honing in on the details, being where I am, but only if I'm in auto-mode. When there isn't a routine, my life flies out of whack. But day by day, I'm realizing that's a good thing. Auto-mode isn't good for relationships, and it's not good for knowing yourself.
Standing in this hallway has made me realize all sorts of bad habits that I have. I'm a selfish creature. My life feels like it's flying out of control, so I clamp down on anything I think I can control -- and in the end, I'm a control freak and hurt other people. The lesson I'm trying to learn is that I don't need to control it at all: God has that covered. Yesterday morning, I was sitting in adoration after morning Mass thinking about how I feel the need to worry. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and somehow being lazy if I'm not on high alert, nervous about life and worried about whether or not I'll find an apartment this week or next.
The truth is, worrying isn't going to change anything but my attitude: and the ironic thing is that my attitude is the only thing that I can control. I can control the love that I give and share and how I react to this hallway and lack of control in my life. Pray that I remember that day by day. It's far easier to go into auto-pilot, but I want to be aware. I want to decide how I act, not let the events of my life decide it for me.