My mind works in spirals: when I’m excited about something, I spiral up and up, my energy feeding an infinite loop where I can’t get enough content or dive too deep into stories and characters.
Yet it also works against me: when I’m worried or uncertain, my mind spirals down and down, wondering if I’ve done something wrong, or if people are mad or annoyed with me.
The latter way lies insanity. There is so much I cannot know: I can only choose to love and function in the way that I know best. If this bothers others, I need to trust them to tell me. Maybe they can’t; maybe they’re not used to being straightforward, and live their lives walking on eggshells: but I can’t do that anymore. It makes me sad and depressed and worried— and that’s no way to live my life.
I Express My Thoughts in Tweets
This is probably because I have been on Twitter for 7 years. There have been multiple times today and yesterday that I've thought of something I wanted to tweet to express myself.
It's odd and neat to see how habits grow up around platforms. Now I get to listen to my own thoughts in my head. Partially strange that I did that more rarely, but expressing yourself is important, too. I'll be exploring different outlets. It's odd to adjust. We'll see how I do.
Going out of town this Thursday. It's always strange to go back home; I love my family, but I don't quite fit there anymore. My life is here, my routine is here. It's painful that the people I love are so far away; sometimes it makes me wonder if I should move back. Then I remember why I moved to LA in the first place, and that's to make this lonely city feel a little more loved while pursuing screenwriting. I'm also starting a new job doing transcription. I'm afraid that I'll be bad at it, but looking forward to the challenge. I've been practicing typing faster and faster, which is also a good skill to have as a writers' assistant.
I want to be back in a writers' office with all of my heart, but I'm doing my best to be patient. Hopefully, working in transcription will be a blessing and a good, flexible mode of income for when I'm between shows, both now and moving forward... and I have dreams of trips to New York and Europe, which I'd be able to do while transcribing. We'll see what the future holds -- and what will happen if I keep blogging regularly.
Goodbye, Twitter
It's been almost a year since I wrote a blog post, and much has happened. I'm between TV shows and realizing the full extent of how freelance is tiring and un-fun, starting up a job doing transcription later this week (which will hopefully be better), and today, I quit Twitter.
I had an emotional reaction, and that's okay. I always hated the feeling that people didn't care about what I had to say, and Twitter was the first place to share thoughts for myself (without worry about what anyone would think). In more recent years, it became a place where my thoughts and ideas found their audience with people who liked and related to them. I like the window into the mind of each creator that participates in the platform; Twitter enabled me to get to know and meet one of my favorite creators, Ben Hatke.
I'm not quitting Twitter because social media is evil and I need real human connection. Yes, I need real human connection, but Twitter was not a substitute for it (as I learned all too well when scrolling through social media made me feel MORE lonely on bad days). I'm quitting Twitter because the CEO of Twitter consistently enables racist and nazi behavior. You can look it up -- there's whole spiel about how Twitter doesn't want to define truth or right and wrong. That's a tough pill for me to swallow because I believe right and wrong are objective, and even if Jack Dorsey does not support nazis (and I hope he doesn't), supporting a morally relative world where bullies and doxxers aren't penalized isn't something I want to do. I hope that one day, Twitter changes. There's a lot of good about it. But for now, off I go.
Thanks to Mike Schur for taking this step first and giving me the courage to say goodbye.
How to Start A LIFE in the Film & TV Industry
A million of these posts exist, but I'm adding my voice, though it's only three LA years old, because it's something I wish I'd heard.
What do you do when you want to pursue a career in the film industry? How do you start? Every working writer, producer, editor, anyone I know in the film and TV industry tells you to move to LA or New York, but though I blindly followed their advice after college, I didn't understand why until I'd been here for over a year.
I have friends that ask me all the time why they would move somewhere without a guaranteed job, and on the surface, that sounds smart. The easy answer is that a million people are LA local and much better equipped to get to interviews than you are and to start tomorrow and the film industry moves fast, and while that's true, the real answer is more in depth:
Work as a creative this industry is inherently freelance because it's project to project. Even the most lucrative franchises end. Even if you work at a studio or network, job security is shaky at best, especially at the lower levels. You're replaceable, and hey, maybe you have a terrible boss and want to move to another company. Even if you move to LA with a job, you might not have one tomorrow. How will you react to that? Will you be able to cope? Do you have the humility to nanny or work at Starbucks, to work at your dream in the early mornings or late at night?
I moved to LA hoping to find a job right away. I applied and applied and I was stressed about the possibility that I would be working at Panera Bread for years... but the truth is that the time it took to find an industry job was the time I needed to grow and adjust and be peaceful about working alongside an industry rather than in it. It gave me the time to invest in relationships, routine, community, to find a neighborhood that I like to live in and a taco shop with the best steak tacos I've ever had.
Los Angeles, New York, any freelance industry, is about the long game, and I'm not talking about networking. It's about building real friendships and about disciplining yourself to be creative when you're not being paid for it, and about building a life that you'll be happy to live when you're between gigs and you're back to nannying for the fourth time. If you can't take this, then you're not cut out for freelancing, much less cut out for, by all counts, one of the hardest industries in the world.
How do you make it in LA? Take time, build a life, find peace. Be a barista and find another coffee shop to write at. Find people you'd like to be lasting friends with. Those people will lead to other friends, and sure, someone may be a "connection", but the important thing is that you now have friends in this lonely, busy city. It's going to be hard, and it's going to take time, but everything worth having always does. That's part of being an adult, and that's part of joy in the film & TV industry.
Humanity
I am entering a stage in my LA life where I get to meet my heroes. Sometimes it's a social interaction, sometimes it's professional, but always, it's strange. Whenever someone has lived in the aether for so long as an idea to admire and they are suddenly incarnate in your life as flesh and blood, it feels jarring. This past weekend I found myself house and pet-sitting for a showrunner that I've known of for years. It was surreal, and I can't imagine how it will feel when I meet the people who created the shows I adore.
The common denominator I'm getting from these interactions is the importance of recognizing the artist's humanity. They may have made something great, they may be "famous," but at the heart, they're still a human. They might have a four-million dollar house, but they still need love like all of us. To put it mildly, they are not their shows. I create this massive persona for them, but I don't know them yet. I need to do them the courtesy of getting to know them, treating them like a human. I'm still figuring it out, but maybe that's what this stage of my life is for: separating the art from the artist and treating them with the courtesy... and in the same breath, recognizing the preciousness of every single person I meet, famous or not. Every human is a child of God, and so very precious.
Transition
I started a new job last week Thursday, but today, I completed my last day of work for my previous job. I trained my replacement for three hours this afternoon, and since I left the offices of the literary agency as an assistant for the last time, I have felt strange.
Rothman Brecher Ehrich Livingston has been ever-present in my life for the last year and four months. I went in knowing that I didn't want to be an agent and would learn what I could before my inevitable departure, but leaving still breaks my heart a little. Goodbyes always do. I know that I'm not leaving town, that my former colleagues are still friends, but that microcosm of the world was such a part of my life that I know I'll have to be patient with myself in building a new normal.
I am grateful for all I learned. I'm grateful for all of the friendships I made. The ache in my heart means that I care. I can even learn from it: feeling pain on saying goodbye meant that I loved, I cared, and I was vulnerable. Loving deeply made my experience more rich. If the aches are the price of having real relationships, I'll take them. I can only hope I have those aches when I leave this next job.
The Monster Under the Bed
I used to be afraid of fear. I found it crippling.
I fear a lot of things: long silences, the gaps in activity that let me think. my own vices, past mistakes and lost friendships that haunt me, the future.
There are many things to fear, but I am slowly finding that escape does not come in running away from that fear. It comes from picking it up in both hands, feeling it through -- acknowledging and accepting it, admitting to yourself why you're afraid.
I'm afraid to keep working on a TV spec because I think I won't be able to do it. I'm afraid that I'll be defined by my vices because someone has defined me by them before. I'm afraid of the future because it's uncertain and I've never been there.
You can tell yourself the truth to fight all of the lies, that it will be okay and there's nothing to be afraid of, but I've found that it's not so easy to control your feelings. So what should you do instead? Let yourself feel that prickly, uncertain, wondering, crippling fear. Acknowledge it, live in it. Then keep living your life. You can't control how you feel, but you can control what you do.
It's a step. That's all you need to start.
The Shame Cycle
I'm a millennial, and I've been told to be ashamed of that.
By who? Articles, well meaning grown-ups, fellow, self-deprecating millennials. Ah, those funny millennials! They can't save money, they're perpetually distracted at work, they're so entitled.
I will tell you a secret: it is easy to shame someone, but it's hard to inspire change. The times that I have grown aren't because someone underlined my flaws, but because someone believed I was better than I was and I rose to the occasion.
There are flaws in my generation. I'm fighting an uphill battle for focus charged by a social media addiction and I own that. Yet I'm still fighting, and I know many people my age who fight as well; I know many people my age who are grateful for the parenting we received because we know our worth. I know that because we know our worth, we fight for better pay because yes, the jobs we have are hand to mouth. We can't save money? Neither could you if rent was a grand a month and you only make two.
Still, we're shamed. Articles upon articles, we've broken every industry and it's all our fault and we're so silly and stupid and shallow and vapid. So remember: the articles do not speak the truth. Remember what you were told by the people who helped you to grow: you matter. You are important. You deserve to be loved and treasured and the fact that you can only manage to save $100 a month is okay. This is where you are in life; you will grow, you will learn, you will perform and you will have exciting new ideas -- maybe better than anyone has had before. And the best part? You don't need their approval. All you need is your own.
Criticism
It's easy to be a critic. Pick a flaw, any flaw, and you're well on your way. There's a time and place for criticism, and merit, too; but take care, because it only goes so far. When criticizing art, you can judge whether it is objectively beautiful or not -- but unless you know and have discussed with the artist, you cannot know their full intent. You cannot know how much time they invested in the project; you cannot know whether or not they cared.
Criticism is necessary, but it is also safe. The scourge of having an unpopular opinion may bear a stigma, but imagine the power you wield: you can topple someone's lifelong dream in a few words.
Creation is hard, and it is scary. You may bare your heart or you may not, but either way, you have invested time and effort into a project, into art, and now you lay it before the community to judge. Whether it is good or not, you've created something. You've had the drive to finish, you've had the courage to tell your story.
I challenge the critics to step out and create: feel the fear, the worry, the danger. Yes, your criticism is necessary; but all of the criticism in the world is not a single piece of art. What will you make if you turn your criticism on yourself? I challenge you to be brave.
The In-Between
I've been standing in the hallway for a while: neither here nor there with staying in sublets and at friends' homes, waiting on a home. Makes me realize how much I function on autopilot day to day. I'm good at honing in on the details, being where I am, but only if I'm in auto-mode. When there isn't a routine, my life flies out of whack. But day by day, I'm realizing that's a good thing. Auto-mode isn't good for relationships, and it's not good for knowing yourself.
Standing in this hallway has made me realize all sorts of bad habits that I have. I'm a selfish creature. My life feels like it's flying out of control, so I clamp down on anything I think I can control -- and in the end, I'm a control freak and hurt other people. The lesson I'm trying to learn is that I don't need to control it at all: God has that covered. Yesterday morning, I was sitting in adoration after morning Mass thinking about how I feel the need to worry. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and somehow being lazy if I'm not on high alert, nervous about life and worried about whether or not I'll find an apartment this week or next.
The truth is, worrying isn't going to change anything but my attitude: and the ironic thing is that my attitude is the only thing that I can control. I can control the love that I give and share and how I react to this hallway and lack of control in my life. Pray that I remember that day by day. It's far easier to go into auto-pilot, but I want to be aware. I want to decide how I act, not let the events of my life decide it for me.
A Word in Favor of Truth
Post-election mess has convicted me of one thing:
God is still king, and man is broken.
I didn't realize how true the latter was until I saw it among my friends, people who professed themselves to be Catholic and then spoke vitriol into the aether, defending cruelty, racism, sexism, and denouncing protests against sinful behavior and saying in the same breath that they had empathy for their fellow man.
I am not democrat, nor am I republican. I'm Catholic. There is social responsibility when it comes to being Catholic. That responsibility is to stand for Church teaching, to stand against evil, and to fight for the right. We're to defend our fellow man. It is scandalous not only to defend evil, but to stand by and wait for it to happen. This applies to Republican policies and Democratic polices alike.
We have a responsibility to know what's going on in the world, and to respond accordingly; yes, as citizens, but further, as Catholics. The truth stands under scrutiny. Why do you fear criticism of the man that you've taken as your hero? If he stands for the right, then it will come out. If he stands for the wrong, stop supporting him -- and stop scandalizing a hurting world that is falling down, broken as people who profess themselves to be followers of Christ blindly support evil behavior.
Muddle and Mess
I want the mess to shake out in the same day it begins. I want to be great at my job a month after I start. I want the webseries I began to be done, my pilot idea to be written, and my heart to feel secure in knowing I'm loved.
Life is process. I tell myself again and again that it's true, but my feelings swell up and swamp my reason. I have to walk myself back, answer all of the frantic questions building up as panic in my chest, and say, "One day at a time. It's going to be okay."
I sincerely believe that. It always turns out better than I could have planned. When I look back after the fact, I see that I've been made stronger, learned a key lesson, would never have met this person or that: critical parts of life that enabled dreams and skills. The feelings in the interim are strong, and they are real; but that doesn't always mean that they're true.
You need tell yourself the truth -- about yourself, the world, your dreams, and your relationships, and you might need to do it daily; but that's not an end to hope. That's life, and it's a process.
Art
I struggle when people do not appreciate great art because I believe that beauty is objective.
I struggle to define that standard. Yet even so, when someone tells me that William Shakespeare was simply "meh" or Michelangelo was "just a sculptor", I cannot accept that opinion as legitimate. These artists were geniuses, and to say otherwise is downright wrong.
Everyone has different standards of art because they were raised in different situations by different people. This applies in every area of life; we prefer different food due to growing up with certain norms, prefer certain temperaments, prefer certain environments. But simply because someone likes "Call Me Maybe" better than Beethoven's Fifth does not mean that "Call Me Maybe" is higher quality music. The problem is with your ears.
I submit that we have numbed artistic taste. The problem is not with Macbeth or "The Pieta" or Beethoven's Fifth. The problem is with us.
I don't claim to say that everyone should like every form of art. We can't change our tastes on a dime. But we at least need to acknowledge that maybe we're not ready to digest such a high form of art because we're used to mediocrity. We need to acknowledge greatness, and be humble enough to admit that we may not be ready for it. And if we can bring ourselves to do it, seek to grow in order to enjoy and appreciate that beauty, as dull as it may seem to our dull taste buds today.
Story-a-Day
Here begins a new project - to look back at my day and tell what I felt honestly in story form the day after it happens. These may be dark, they may be light. This is not a call to worry about me. This is an exercise in storytelling and practice in writing what I know quickly as a way to grow in writing what I know well.
I hope that you enjoy the stories. I'm excited for this project. Link to the Story-a-Day blog on this website below.
Spots of Light
We see the patches of darkness because they touch our hearts and play to our fears. I remember one negative encounter more vividly than the hundreds of positive ones I had afterwards.
Now is the time to stop that. I have so many gifts. I got to spend time with a good friend yesterday - we took silly photos for this website, we caught up. I had a great conversation with a roommate this morning. I have the privilege of listening to beautiful music that stirs my heart. I have a piano in my room to make my own music.
The darkness hurts, the pain is real. But so is the good. Never, ever forget that. Never let the hard moments invalidate the good ones.
Porn
Working in the film industry has broken my heart.
I have been wounded by porn, but this goes beyond my wound. It goes beyond my father's wound and stretches across humanity, scarred, torn down and broken by pornography and an incomplete, damaging view of sexuality.
We are not made to be objects. We are not made to be lusted after; we are made to be loved. You cannot compartmentalize pleasure from porn from the area of your brain that uses people. It's impossible.
The worst scenario? When the men that view porn don't think it's a problem. When they go to raunchy movies with guy friends and leave their wives at home because they're uncomfortable - but have been told the lie that this won't hurt their marriage, and accept that porn and erotica are natural, good parts of life.
How broken are we that we see sickness and call it health! How broken are we that we joke about a disease as though it's a silly fact of life?
We need healing. We need understanding. And before we can come to any of these, we need honesty. When we joke about porn, it becomes normal. It's easier to ignore it; but that's not an option if we ever want to heal.
My Name is Alexander Hamilton
Oh brilliance, why do I stand in awe of you and neglect my own work?
I can't mimic the work of geniuses, but I can be one on my own merit. A teacher of mine encouraged me to create the art that no one else could create. Lin-Manuel Miranda said the same thing on an interview about "Hamilton," a brilliant musical that's been playing in my head since I first heard the music.
It's time to sit down and work. It's time to absorb the inspiration, then pour out and inspire. I have heroes -- but I also need to be my own.
Music + Feelings
I pick the writing music I listen to based on the subject of the scene because the natural ability of music, of any art, is to make you feel. Think about it: is there anything else that has the physical ability to make you move?
Our emotions are powerful. They can drive us to action, or to crippling indecision. They are powerful tools to dial into while writing and while living, but once they control us is when the power goes terribly awry. That's why emotions can never be the sole basis of making a decision: we have to keep functioning, we have to keep moving. We are not animals. We do not live on the basis of emotions, we do not always eat what's immediately in front of us when we're hungry or kiss anyone we see who's attractive. That's the power of being human. So take those emotions -- they're tools, but make sure they stay that way; or your life is going to be an uncomfortable roller coaster.
Connection
The mantra is drilled into our heads as children.
"Follow your dreams.
Be who you want to be."
We either fall into apathy for lack of ambition or have ambition in abundance. We fight for our dreams, we seize them, we grab them, we gain the world and a little more.
We are miserable.
We have reached the top and we are lonely because the paradigm that tells us that following our dreams is the goal does not tell us that it does not guarantee joy.
Love. Sacrifice. Relationship.
This must be our paradigm, or when we achieve the goal of greatness we will despair because our hearts were made for more.
Unbroken
Modern culture is obsessed with the idea of wholeness. We like solutions because it breaks our heart to see others hurting -- especially those we love. I used to think that everything would be sorted out eventually. The right girl would fall for the right guy, the bad guys would get comeuppance, and the lonely girl would find hope in the midst of depression.
The sad side to the story is that the world isn't like that. That guy who was abused? He's going to suffer with that for the rest of his life. That girl with depression? She may come out, she may not. That lonely woman who has no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year? She might not spend it alone, but someone will.
It seems dark because our world is dark and we don't want to believe that. We can't believe that because we would lose hope. We need to tell ourselves that humanity is better than that; but it's not. The story of humanity is a sad one, impossible to cope with on its own; but humanity's story was never meant to be told alone.
With redemption, with God, there is hope. We want wholeness because we were made to be whole. That does not mean a perfect ending without pain, but it does mean that God has redeemed suffering. He has made our pain the path to save our souls. Without him, none of it makes sense; but with him, real life is beautiful. Hollywood can take its endings. I'd rather have the real thing.